Rugby
by demented cookies
Summary: Artemis meets the girl of his dreams and he'll do anything for her. At the same time St. Bartleby's rugby team tryouts are starting. What happens when Arty's girl tells him to join the team? better than it sounds. R&R please!
1. Collette DeSantos

**Yet another fan fiction from yours truly, comix-freak! Please review!**

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT own Artemis or Saint Bartleby's. But I do own Collette.**

Chapter one: Collette DeSantos

Anyone with an IQ of over three hundred knows how difficult a genius' life can be. Being smart is no picnic, especially in school. There are a lot more downs than ups. For instance, someone may ask you to 'help' them with their homework. No problem. But then if everybody within ten feet of you asked you for 'help' with their homework, you'd end up doing everybody's homework and not being able to do your own. Or your teachers would expect too much out of you and one day you give them something a little short of spectacular and they give you a D- when other kids did worse and got a C.

Of course, that would only happen to a genius who was friendlier than not and willing to spare some time to help others. Artemis Fowl II was not one of those genii. His pale skin and cold stare would repel other kids who sought help with their homework. His deep, icy blue eyes and vampire appearance would make any teacher think twice before giving him anything worse than a B. And that was how Artemis wanted it.

At least, that's how he wanted it before the day his life took a turn for the worse. At Saint Bartleby's School for Young Gentlemen, the students didn't get out much, as it was with most boarding schools. They were usually studying, doing homework, in school, or using their rare spare time to relax. The longest time they had to do the things they wanted was during the winter holidays. Artemis usually stayed indoors, while the other boys were having fun at the shopping center a few blocks away.

Artemis was just getting up out of bed on a bright winter morning when he suddenly realized his toothpaste had all run out. He checked the drawer for another tube. Empty. He stormed out of the bathroom. Hearing laughter, he curiously looked out the window. Outside, three stories down, a group of boys were having a snowball fight.

_How immature,_ Artemis thought as he tugged on his clothes.

He slipped on his shoes and headed out the door. He thought he might go to the shopping center to get some more toothpaste.

"Where are you going?" a classmate named Jonathan O'Connor asked him in the hall.

"Out," Artemis said. "I need more toothpaste."

"Oh, I see," Jonathan said. "Well, have a nice time."

"Thank you." Artemis rolled his eyes. _What an imbecile._

The morning air was cold and Artemis could see his breath as he stepped outside. It was only a little ways to the shopping center. Artemis could spare a few minutes. The shopping center was packed with teenagers and students from Saint Bartleby's. Artemis elbowed his way to the toothpaste isle. He selected his brand and stood in line. Just as he was finishing paying for the tube, he saw someone in the corner of his eye. His eyes widened and he grabbed the toothpaste tube, shoving it his pocket and quickly following whoever he saw out the door. It was just after he stepped out the door of the store he saw whoever he saw clearly.

She tossed her long blonde hair over her shoulder and stuck her gorgeous hand back into the pocket of her coat, making a piece of paper fall out of her pocket.

Artemis picked it up and hurried to catch up to her.

"I'm sorry," he said. "Is this yours?"

The girl turned around and Artemis was stunned by her beauty. "Why, yes," she said. "It is. Thank you." She smiled a dazzling smile of perfectly strait, white teeth.

"I…I'm Artemis Fowl," Artemis said, holding out his hand.

"Nice to meet you, Artemis," the girl shook his hand. The very touch of her made Artemis' heart flutter. "I'm Collette DeSantos."

"A pleasure. Do you live around here?"

"Yes." Collette pointed at the large house on the hill about half a mile away. Even though it was that far away, Artemis could clearly see it. "Right there." Her voice was like birds singing on a clear morning, like moonlight on a field of flowers.

"I go to school at Saint Bartleby's."

"Well," Collette said, "I'd better get going. My mother's expecting me home for breakfast."

"A pleasure to meet you, Miss DeSantos." Collette turned to leave then stopped. "Artemis," she said, turning around again. "Tomorrow, would you like to meet me at the café on this corner? I'd just love to get to know you better."

"I…" Artemis could feel his face getting red. "Yes. I would."

"It's settled then!" Collette smiled and walked off, her strait blonde hair waving in the wind.

**Chapter one finished!! Yay!! And don't go reviewing to me about how Collette is a Mary Sue. I know all too well! Her Mary Sueness will develop even more next chapter…then the fun can begin! Yippee!!! Please review! Pretty please! It would make me sooo happy! Constructional criticisms welcome! **


	2. Lovesick Genius

Chapter two: Lovesick Genius

**I forgot to say this but this takes place BEFORE TLC. None of that ever happened. This is after TOD**

Artemis sat on his bed smiling out the window. Today was the day he would meet Collette again. He heard a ring on his bedside table. It was the communicator Holly Short had left him a year ago after he had outsmarted Opal Koboi.

"Hello, Holly," he smiled. "How are you?"  
"Good, thanks," Holly said. "I've got a new case for you."

"Oh?"

"Yeah." Holly told him how a man who ran the grocery store down the block came to the PI office saying that someone came in the night and stole twenty one boxes of ice-cream sandwiches.

"Oh, alright," Artemis said. "Um…I don't know."

Holly's mouth dropped open. "'Don't know…' How can the great child genius and criminal mastermind, Artemis Fowl II, not know something?"

"Um…"

Holly frowned and shook her head. "I'll call you when you can think clearly."

"Okay. Bye." Artemis smiled and slipped his shoes on. He was out the door in seconds.

………………….

"Artemis Fowl II," Collette said. "So you're the infamous Artemis Fowl II. I should have known."

Artemis raised an eyebrow. "'Infamous'? What do you mean 'infamous'? I'm not exactly that well-known."

"Of course you're not well-known," Collette laughed. "At least not well-known around the world of normal everyday people with everyday lives. The world of criminals knows you quite well. You're the little boy who forged and auctioned the _Lost Diaries of Leonardo da Vinci_ and sold the Pyramids to a businessman. I know all about you."

_Not all about me_, Artemis thought. "Oh? And how would you know that?"

"I'm very familiar with a little thing called internet explorer."

Artemis chuckled. "Very funny, Miss DeSantos."

"Really, Artemis," Collette said, fluttering her long eyelashes, "I think by now you should have started calling me Collette."

"Very well, Collette. I shall remember that in the future." Artemis and Collette talked for hours. Artemis learned that Collette was a strait A student and an excellent figure skater. What's more, she was only fourteen years old.

"Well, Artemis," Collette said, "do you play any sports?"

Artemis' eyes opened wide. "No, no, no," he said. "I'm much to busy for any games. The school rugby team tryouts are coming up soon and all the boys in school are going to try out. And that's a lot of boys, considering that the whole school is made up of boys. But I'm not even going to consider it."

"A school rugby team?" said Collette. "Why don't you try out?"

"I'm too busy for games."

"Try out. I want you to try out."

"Why?"

Collette fluttered her eyelashes in a way which made Artemis' heart pound like a marching band. "Because I _like_ boys who play rugby."

…………………

"She told me to try out for the rugby team!" Artemis said.

"The rugby team…?" Butler sounded skeptical over the phone.

"Yes, the rugby team. I don't…I don't know what…"

"You don't know what to do?"

"That's it."

"If you're asking my advice, don't do it."

"Why do you say so?"

"Because you shouldn't change yourself for others. Just be yourself."

"Heavens. You're starting to sound like a cheap movie."

"I mean it, Artemis. If some girl tells you to try out for the rugby team, don't listen to her. You should just do what you think is right."

"But if I don't listen to her, she might never _like_ me!"

"You shouldn't pour your heart out all over a girl who would only like you because you're on a rugby team. Save it for a girl who likes you for who you are."

"But I…but I…"

"But you like her?"

"More. I love her."

"Because what, Artemis? You've known the girl for less than forty-eight hours."

"I can't help it."

"She's pretty, right?"

Artemis rolled his eyes. "That's the understatement of the year."

"Artemis," Butler sighed, "if you only like her for how she looks, you should really rethink this. Get to know her better before you do something you'll regret."

"As I said, Butler, you're beginning to sound like a cheap movie. Anyway, I've got to go. I have a date with Collette, and I wouldn't be late for the world." He hung up the phone and ran out the door, barely stopping to put on his shoes.

**Umm…reviews please!**


	3. Eleni DeSantos

Chapter three: Eleni DeSantos

"And you had better not make a total idiot of yourself in front of my date, you hear?" Collette was strict. "Remember, I only brought you along because mom and dad didn't want me doing anything that shouldn't be done till I'm way in my twenties and I have no problem giving you a black eye."

Eleni was a bit surprised by her twin sister's harshness. Usually her Collette only teased and jeered instead of threatening to hurt her. "Alright, Collette. I'll try."

"You'd better." She immediately brightened up when she saw Artemis enter the restaurant. He walked over to the table.

"Good evening, Collette. And who is this lovely young lady?" Artemis said, sitting down across from Collette.

Collette looked at the curly haired girl sitting next to her. "Oh, Eleni? She's just my twin sister." Artemis could tell without a doubt that Collette was the beauty of the family. Collette looked like a supermodel with her long, blonde hair and dazzling blue eyes next to the small, curly haired, freckled brunette with the glasses. Eleni smiled, showing a mouth of braces.

"Nice to meet you," she said. Unfortunately for Eleni, she was ignored the rest of the evening.

…………………………

Collette walked up and down the hallways of Saint Bartleby's on the day of the try outs. She eventually ran into a small, spectacled boy.

"Excuse me," she said. "Can you tell me where I can find Coach Johnson?"

"Um…I think he would be in the gym. To get to the gym you have to go down this hallway and turn left. It'll be the third door on your right."

Collette ran down the hall in that direction. "No running in the halls!" the boy called after her.

Collette rolled her eyes. "Nerd," she mumbled to herself.

The gym doors were open and Collette heard Coach Johnson coaching the kids on pushups. "C'mon, kids. Up, down, up, down. Lower, Jones, you gotta bend those elbows. Hardy! You call that a pushup? I'm temped to fail you if you don't start trying harder."

Collette approached the coach. "Are you the new coach?"

The coach turned to her. "Yes. And who are you. This was a boys' school last time I checked."

"Yes, well, my brother attends. I was passing by this morning and I saw a group of boys playing a game of rugby. There was one boy who was exceptionally good. My brother tells me his name is Artemis Fowl II and he's the best rugby player at Saint Bartleby's. I ask you if you would consider putting him on the team."

"Sure. If he tries out just like all the other boys."

"He's not going to make the try outs today because…something unexpected turned up. But I promise you, he's your one way ticket to the school championships."

"Sorry. If you don't try out, you can't be on the team."

"But I…"

"Nope."

"Alright. I'll…tell him…"

……………………….

"So I don't have to try out?" Artemis said hopefully.

"Of course you do, silly," Collette laughed.

"But you know I will never get on the team. Why do I have to try out?"

Collette frowned. "Do you care about me?"

"Yes."

"Do you love me?"

"Yes."

"Do you want me as your own?"

"Yes."

"Then try out!" she ordered, her voice and pitch rising dangerously. "Because there is no way on earth I will have a weak, nerdy, unpopular, geek for a boyfriend!" Collette was suddenly calm again. "Just go to the try outs," she said, smiling a mischievous smile. "I'll take care of everything."


	4. Try Outs

Chapter four: Try Outs

**Okay, I know absolutely **_**nothing**_** about rugby (except what I learned on Wikipedia). Please review to me if I got something wrong. **

"C'mon, kids!" the coach shouted in his hoarse voice. "You're playing rugby, not mini golf!"

Artemis ran down the field to his opponents' side. This was too much. Why did he ever agree to this? He was sweating and panting more than ever. He knew he should be able to endure this. He had chased and boarded a moving train in the arctic when he was thirteen, run from a pack of hungry trolls underground when he was fourteen. This should be no problem. He turned just in time to see the ball rushing toward him. Out of instinct, he held his hands up to protect his face and the ball fell into his hands. He closed his fingers tightly around it, astonished.

"Keep playing, Fowl! What are you waiting for?"

Artemis looked up. He drew his arm back and launched the ball. It didn't travel five feet. A boy from the other team caught it and started running towards the other goal. Suddenly, he slipped as if the ground beneath him was not grass but ice, and he fell hard on his face, letting go of the ball. One of Artemis' teammates, a teacher's-pet with dreams of being an athlete that went by the name Ronny McDorkenstein, caught the ball as it was in the air and started running towards the opponents' side of the field. He ran past Artemis and was cornered by a large, tough-looking boy. Ronny threw the ball back to Artemis. For a second, Artemis looked at the ball wondering what to do with it. Then he remembered what Collette had told him.

_"To make a try, touch the ball to the ground at your opponents' side of the field."_

_Thank you, Collette,_ Artemis thought, running towards the goal line. Luckily, he wasn't too far from the goal line and while the boys on the other team were slipping and falling as if the ground was wet, Artemis touched the ball to the grass on the other side of the goal line.

Collette sat on the bleachers watching the try outs. She smiled slyly as she pocketed a jar of fluid from the local magic and tricks store. _Slipping Fluid,_ the label said, _rub on the bottom of your friend's shoes and watch them sliiiiiide!_

………………………

"Ow! Collette!" Artemis' shoulder stung as Collette dabbed a damp cloth over it.

"Not my fault," she said. "You didn't try hard enough. Now you're bruised and cut."

"Not your fault!" Artemis exclaimed. "I'm not the one who decided to try out!"

"You need to join the rugby team. I need a boy who's cute _and_ on the rugby team. Can't have just one."

Artemis looked at the wound. It was red and swollen. "Couldn't you just settle for intelligence? Rugby never got anyone anywhere. It's men with brains that run the world."

Collette crossed her arms. "It's men with brains that are boring. All they ever do is go on and on about nonexistant 'problems' like global warming."

"But global warming is a problem!"

"And," Collette went on, "it's men with brains that get all beaten up by the men with strength and athletic skills because the athletic and strong guys are right about everything. Because they're hot."

Artemis frowned. "And men with brains aren't?"

"Right. Lose a few brain cells. Don't worry. They'll grow back new and improved."

Artemis rolled his eyes. "_Right._"

……………………..

"The most amazing thing happened at school today, Butler," Artemis said on his daily phone call to his bodyguard. "You will never in a million years believe it."

"Try me."

"I made the rugby team."

"What? I don't think I heard you right."

"I made the rugby team."

"You WHAT?"

Artemis sighed heavily. "I made the rugby team."

"The rugby…Artemis, did I ever tell you that you are an amazing liar. If I didn't know better I'd believe you."

"Butler," Artemis sighed. "You know it's the truth. I think Collette did something. I'm not quite sure what."

"Artemis, forgive me, but for a genius you are really stup…unintelligent."

"And what do you mean by that?"

"How can you be so blind? This Collette of yours doesn't like you. She only hangs out with you because you like her. And she will stop doing so if you don't join the rugby team."

"This may be true, this may be false. And I have no intention of finding out which it is." With that, Artemis hung up.

**Well…review please…thank you!**


	5. First Game

Chapter five: First Game

"Are you sure I should be doing this?" Artemis asked Collette.

"Of course, Arty," Collette said, dusting off Artemis' rugby uniform. Both Artemis and Collette knew that he looked terrible in it.

"But I have other things. More important things. The banks are just waiting for me to rob them."

"And your teammates are waiting for you to win the game. Don't worry. I'll be watching from the stands."

"That's what I'm afraid of," Artemis muttered.

"What was that?"

"Nothing."

"Okay. Get out there." She winked. "The game is starting."

Artemis turned to join the rest of his team and saw Eleni, Collette's not-so-identical twin sister, leaning against the stands. "Hello," he said, approaching her.

"Oh, uh, hi," Eleni said, surprised. Her curly hair was up in a messy pony-tail.

Artemis glanced around nervously. Then he said in a quiet voice, "is your sister always like that?"

"What?" Eleni smiled, showing her braces. "Is she bugging you?"

"No, she's encouraging and thoughtful."

"Oh. No, she's not like that. Usually she's a mean, selfish, spoiled brat. If you don't mind me saying."

A tiny grin appeared at the corner of Artemis' mouth. "Is she really?"

"Oh yeah." Eleni was not smiling. "God, you will never believe how many times I wish my parents put me up for adoption."

"I…see," Artemis said. "Well, goodbye. The game will start shortly."

…………………….

The game was almost over, the score being eight to eighteen, Saint Bartleby's losing. Coach Johnson was standing by the side of the field, a dark expression behind his pale moustache.

Artemis was beside his teammates sweating furiously, not quite keeping up. He still didn't know why he had listened to Collette in the first place.

"C'mon, Artemis!" Collette shouted from the stands.

That didn't cheer him up at all. It only reminded him that he was failing before someone who believed in him. Or did she…

His thoughts were interrupted by a ball hitting him on his cheek. Then it fell neatly into his hands. He threw the ball to someone else behind him and felt his face. The side that was hit was almost numb. Again, his thoughts were interrupted by the sudden cheering of the crowd. Saint Barltby's had scored!

Ten minutes later, part of the crowd "aww"ed while part of the crowed cheered. The opposite team had scored. And scored again.

The game ended, eleven to twenty. Saint Bartleby's lost. Collette stormed up to Artemis. "Why didn't you win?" she demanded.

"That's just the way it is," Artemis said simply.

"You didn't practice hard enough, that's what it is! Why?"

Artemis sighed. "Collette."

Collette crossed her arms and eyed the pale boy. "What?"

"I…" Artemis left Collette glaring daggers at him. If looks could kill, Artemis would have died instantly.

Eleni caught up to him. "You see what I mean? That's what I have to live with everyday of my life."

"Yes, I see. Someday's I wish I had never run out of toothpaste."

"What?"

Artemis brushed it off. "Never mind." And left.


	6. No More

Chapter six: No More

Eleni sat at a café near the mall sipping a hot chocolate with whipped cream and reading a thick book. But her mind was elsewhere. Artemis…wasn't he supposed to be a genius? Why did he just quit rugby and dump Collette? That would be the smart thing to do. Couldn't he see that Collette was not someone any boy should like? Her sister deserved someone who…Eleni was interrupted by a angry shout, "What?" She glanced up to see her sister and Artemis nearby.

"You quit?" she heard Collette say.

"Yes," Artemis said.

"But why?"

"Because…I didn't like it. I have more important things to do."

"I knew it! I always knew it! You're always going to be a weak, unpopular nerd!"

For a second, annoyance flashed across Artemis' face but then it was gone. "Yes, I know. And that's the way I like it."

"You jerk!" Collette yelled, storming off. Artemis dragged himself over to Eleni's table and dropped onto the chair opposite her, burying his face in his hand. He looked up at Eleni.

"Oh, I'm sorry," he said. "Do you mind?"

"Not at all," Eleni smiled. "Charming girl my sister is, huh?"

Artemis didn't reply but his annoyed expression gave the answer.

Eleni sipped her hot chocolate. "Yeah."

They sat in silence for a little while. Then Eleni looked up. "So you quit the rugby team."

"Yes. It just wasn't…how would I say it…"

"It wasn't you?"

"Something like that."

Eleni tried sipping her hot chocolate again but it was all gone. She held the cup upside down, shaking it. "Yeah, other stuff to do, right? Banks to rob, stuff to steal."

"Yes, I…" Artemis head jerked up. "What?"

Eleni laughed. "Yeah, I know. Don't like people knowing, huh? I'm guessing you've gone strait since you haven't pulled off a crime in, what, years.

"Wait…how did you…Collette told you?"

"You kidding? If you told her to go look your name up she'd come back to you with five pages of facts about some rare kind of pineapple that grows in the wilds of Madagascar."

"You…you mean…"

"Yeah. What you were about to say."

"Wha…" Artemis looked astonished for a moment, then laughed. "How could I not have known? It's obvious. It was right there under my nose the whole time."

"Yup, for a genius, you're pretty stupid."

Artemis frowned. Not an angry frown, but a thoughtful frown. "You know, my bodyguard said the exact same thing a little while back."

"He did, huh?"

"Yes. Say, Eleni, Saint Bartleby's next rugby game is next week. Care to join me to see how they do without me?"

Eleni smiled, the sun making her braces sparkle. "Sure."

**Aww! What a nice ending! As if! Another chapter coming up folks! You're not getting out of this that easy!**


	7. A New Date

Chapter seven: A New Date

"I never knew how fun rugby was to watch," Artemis said after the game. "Not to play, of course. Just to watch."

"Yeah, I agree. Personally, I'd rather stay inside with a good book."

"Seems like Saint Bartleby's does better without me."

"Well…"

"I knew it!" came a shout.

Both Eleni and Artemis turned to see a red-faced, very, _very_ angry looking Collette.

"What?" Artemis grinned. "Someone stole your favorite fashion magazine?" Eleni let out a stifled laugh.

"I knew it!" Collette screamed again. "You!" she pointed and accusing finger at her sister. "You've been seeing Artemis behind my back and that's why he quit the team! You told him to!"

"What…what did I do?" Eleni said.

"You stole my Arty from me! I've been so caring, friendly, and nice to him and this is how me repays me? By running off with my sister?"

Artemis and Eleni exchanged glances that said "is she cuckoo or what?".

Artemis suddenly smiled and there was a mischievous little twinkle in his eye. Eleni could almost see a lightbulb go on above his head. He put an arm around Collette's shoulders. "You're right," he said.

Simultaniously, both sisters exclaimed, "What?"

"I have been ungrateful. Without you, I would never have learned how fun and exciting it is at a good rugby game. You have been so considerate and encouraging that I feel like a selfish pig to deny you and instead spend the time we would have together with your sister. A beautiful, intelligent girl like you deserves more."

"You got that right, mister!" Collette said and smirked at her sister over her shoulder.

"So that's why I have decided to do the following. Tonight, 6:30, you will go to that disgu…I mean delicious restaurant where I first met your sister."

"Am I supposed to meet you there?"

"No. I have arranged for another boy to do that."

"Is he on the rugby team?"

"Yes."

"Is he cute?"

Artemis looked at Eleni. "Your sister asks if he's cute."

Eleni paused, then, "Oh yeah, he is simply adorable!"

"Hm…okay…"

"It's settled then. You'd better hurry. It's already a quarter till six."

"Yeah, better hurry." Collette took off running.

Eleni put a hand on Artemis' shoulder. "Who…?"

Artemis gave her his famous vampire grin. "You'll see."

………………………

Collette entered the restaurant at 6:25. It was packed with people. _I forgot to ask Artemis how I will know who this mystery guy is. _A short red-haired boy with thick, round glasses (that were slipping down his nose) and lots and lots of freckles approached Collette.

"Excuse me," he said, and his voice sounded like there was an invisible clothespin on his nose, "are you Collette DeSantos?"

"Yes, and who the hell are you?" Collette frowned. She really didn't have time for any boy who was anything less than totally hot.

The boy smiled from ear to ear, showing off a grin of gaps where some teeth should be and a pair of buckteeth in front. It looked more like he was pulling the sides of his mouth with invisible fingers than smiling. "I'm Ronny McNerdenstein. I received a call earlier saying I was supposed to meet a girl named Collette at this restaurant at 6:30."

Collette stared down at the small boy with the neatly done hair in shock. "I…I…"

The scream that followed could be heard nearly a mile away at Saint Bartleby's. Artemis and Eleni listened and laughed.

THE END

**Credits:**

**Writer: comix-freak (duh!)**

**Editor: don't I wish**

**Special thanks to:**

**My mom-for telling me that Artemis should probably try out for the rugby team instead of the basketball team because rugby is more common in Ireland**

**My gloriously brilliant mind-for coming up with this gloriously brilliant idea**

**Those on and for READING AND REVIEWING!!!!! YAY!!!! Thank you! **


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